The End Better Than The Beginning

There’s a sobering weight that settles over a parent driving away from the hospital with their first child. Am I even mature enough for this? Who is allowing this child to come home with me?! I don’t know how to raise a child!

It seems like yesterday that we buckled in a little boy we didn’t know and drove away from the cradle care home. Suddenly the burden had shifted: the generous, exhausted caregivers had given him their final hugs and kisses and welcomed the reprieve, while we assumed the weight of it all.

I looked back from the passenger seat to smile at our older boys, scared that we were about to ruin them. I glanced over at this foreign, flapping, huge diaper-wearing three-year-old and tried to catch the eyes that didn’t want to connect. Lord, maybe this is too much. Are You sure? We could turn around…

We drove for hours and arrived at our rental house. After a whirlwind of a couple weeks we now had to slow painfully down. The days ahead were empty, left for us to fill with who-knew-what while we waited for paperwork to be signed and the green light to leave the state. We got things put away and explored the backyard, hopeful that the physical activity would help everyone sleep well that night.

The next handful of nights were nightmares. It started with brushing teeth and would end sometime in the early hours of the morning. Cup after cup of strawberry milk was made, diaper after diaper changed. Back rubs, relaxing lotion, the fan and sound machine on – we had no clue how to decode the screaming and crying and thrashing. Nothing seemed to diffuse the intense emotions this little boy felt, and he had no other way to tell us what he was thinking.

Those two weeks were full of challenges and beauty: trips to the store that ended with screaming; comments from strangers that brought tears, because you can’t possibly explain your situation in 15 seconds; bright sunsets with horses in the foreground; giggles from three little boys and joy in their faces as they jumped around with baby goats.

Up until then, life was fairly easily curated. Planned. Predictable. Learning curves came in stages, with end dates somewhere on the horizon. But this little boy who’s world had been rocked came in and shattered much of what I knew with breakneck pace. All of a sudden, life was messy and I couldn’t do anything about it. Things I never anticipated began happening left and right. He’d wander down the driveway, fall over constantly, make one guttural “ooh” sound all. day. long. There were a lot of little, probably petty things – like ripping books and smearing poop on the windowsill. But it all broke me. What hurt most was the reality that many adoptive mothers experience – pouring yourself out for a child who desperately needs your love and stability but cannot process it, and will push it – you – all away. The poop on the windowsill would’ve been easier to handle with a smile if this little one could have told me what he needed. The ripped books could’ve been tossed with less heartache if I knew he understood boundaries and the concept of possessions.

There were a few days, and many nights, I spent in tears genuinely questioning our decision. If we had said no, God would have brought someone else to take him. Right? God would still have cared for him. We could have waited, maybe taken an infant or at least a child with fewer needs and hangups.

And here we are, officially one year later.

We could’ve said no; we could’ve asked God to send another family. But we would’ve missed all that He wanted to do.

The stretches of good nights, the daily walks that did us all good physically and mentally. The day Kash looked me in the eyes while he was flapping, indicating that he wanted to let me into his world. The countless conversations with our sweet Levi and Caleb, answering their many questions and being humbled by their love for their new brother. The sheer joy as all the boys wrestle together and giggle, as they run outside and balance on the obstacle courses they’ve made themselves. The day Kash came padding into the kitchen to see what I was doing, interested in something other than himself and the object he held. The day he tried to crack an egg into a pan. The fact that I can now read him like a book, without many words. The day, a couple weeks ago, he looked at me and called me Mama when I got him up for breakfast.

We don’t know where Kash would be if God hadn’t placed him here. But we do know that God plucked him out of a life of pain and struggle, drugs and instability, and gave him a fresh start. We have watched his body heal, and we know he feels the difference. We have seen Kash emerge, leaving his autistic behaviors and traits behind. Oh, how much we all have learned!

“Every good and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.”
James 1:17

Early on we received a frame from an adoption organization with this verse scripted inside, and I hesitantly found a place for it. I knew Kash was a gift but truthfully, it was hard to accept that as fact. Are gifts supposed to weigh you down and make you lose your mind?! Turns out, sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the story God is writing makes no sense and your job is to be a good character anyway. I’ve learned to laugh more, relax more, take each day as it comes knowing that the Lord will provide for my every need (and those of my children!). God gives us gifts as He sees fit, whether we recognize them as gifts or not. Kash certainly is a gift to each of us from Him. He is now naturally part of our family and we couldn’t imagine not having him here!

Who knows what the next year will hold. Without a doubt there will be more sanctification, and Lord-willing we will come out even more refined and joyful. We genuinely look forward to the things to come because we know that God works all things for our good and His glory – we have seen this proven time and time again. He is good. One year down, many more to go!

“The end of a thing is better than its beginning; the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.”
Ecclesiastes 7:8

Catching Up || Friday Magnify

“Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!”
Psalm 34:3

I stood in the kitchen prepping for dinner with friends, mixer whirling and veggies waiting to be chopped. In came little feet, padding over to the mixer. Kash stood close to it and stopped, staring hesitantly. A couple months ago he began to be wary of it, a fear that came out of nowhere. Even now he can’t stand it, but his curiosity got the best of him. I picked him up and showed him how to turn it on and off, and he adjusted the switch while whimpering and hiding his face in my hair. After a couple minutes, I set him back down and off he ran to the living room.

Another day not long ago, he started making his fearful whimper at the dark in his room, and the dark outside at night. He hasn’t ever seemed to care about the dark until now, which I found puzzling but thanked God that it meant better sleep!

These little things have been huge things for our boy. They are signs to us that his brain is developing and catching up. They are developmental markers that he should have hit years ago but didn’t. We have learned that his left brain is very developed, while his right brain has been very underdeveloped. The discrepancy has had him walking into walls, not talking, spinning but never dizzy, missing all facial and body cues, obsessing over the same toys for months…the list goes on and on. But as time has passed, he has improved in all of these areas. His brain isn’t broken, it is unbalanced and needs help evening out.

This week I am especially thankful for the progress we have seen and the things we have learned. It brings me to tears when I step back and think about it. Just the other day, he asked me to spin him around for the umpteenth time - but this time, I set him down and he was clearly dizzy. He wasn’t sure what to do with it! I don’t know all the scientific terms behind it, but I know that the dizziness means his ears and brain are on their way to functioning properly. Praise God!

Kash’s progress has been a family effort. Our older boys get onto his level and pull him out of his little world; they take him along in their adventures and he loves being a part of their shenanigans. Josh and I are so proud of them and grateful for the compassion they have learned. They ask questions and try to understand as much as they can, and they jump right in with Kash’s exercises and “school” work. All of us work hard and gosh, what a gift it is to see the fruit of our labors. God is so good!

We Call Him Ours

Nine months.

Nine months, to the day. Nine months ago we took a chunky little three-and-a-half-year-old boy overnight and he has been with us every day and every night since. And today, he became a permanent part of our family.

Praise the Lord, He has given a needy child a home! Praise the Lord, He has equipped these otherwise-incapable people with the strength and wisdom to do the job!

The analogy isn’t seamless, but the significance of this timing isn’t lost on me. For nine months, we have carefully gotten to know each other. Like a baby in my womb, this little one has grown and stretched me and I have felt his kicks. He knows my voice and without him speaking, I know his personality. I have wondered who he will grow to be, and he has slowly awakened to the world outside of himself.

And today, we have another son and he has our last name. On Josh’s birthday nonetheless, what a gift! And what a gift that Kash has a dad who will always remain in his life, who will continue to play with him and teach him and protect him. He has a dad who will continue to point him to his Heavenly Father, the One who can heal his wounds and give him purpose. The Lord has taken Kash out of a life of brokenness, away from dangers and hopelessness. How humbling it is to see that He has placed him into our family.

Today, Kash has two brothers who love him for better or for worse. They have nine months behind them of getting to know each other, learning from each other, understanding new aspects of this life we live together. When asked if all the boys get along, I answered that they act like brothers - truly, they have melded together and while it’s been rocky at times, none of us could imagine Kash being anywhere else but here with us.

Today, Kash has a mom who will stay steady for him. Since we took him in, I have cared for and loved him - though it has seemed like caring for someone else’s child. Today, I can call him mine. I have prayed for God to make this shift for me mentally, and He has done so in the last couple days. He is gracious!

Kash, my sweet boy - you are a gift. God plucked you out of harm’s way and has shielded you from experiencing more of the world’s brokenness. And as you know, our family is broken too; we will fail you at times and you will see our flaws. We are human and faulty. But by the grace of God, you will know stability, joy, and peace. You will see forgiveness, in the big things and the little. You will hear of God’s goodness, as you have many times already, and you will see how He can heal the deepest parts of each of us.

Your previous caregivers and your tummy momma are never far from my thoughts. I don’t know the roads they’ve walked, I don’t know the struggles they’ve had. I hurt for them and I pray for them often. Have they ever known stability, or the comfort or peace of God? Have they ever been nurtured or protected? Only Jesus can heal them from their addictions, only He can give them hope. May He do just that for each of them.

You are home now. Settle in, little one. Your things have their places, your schedule will remain consistent. And while I know you are getting comfortable, and healing has begun, I know the ache isn’t gone. When the memories are too painful and the loss to great, we will still be here to hold you. When you are able to speak, I pray that you will trust your dad and me to tell us the stories your life has held. We will be here to share in your giggles and rejoice as you learn new things. We will be here to encourage you and support you.

You are loved, sweet boy. God has started this good work, and He will see it to completion. Let’s praise Him together.

Friday Magnify || Baby Steps

“Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!”
Psalm 34:3

The Israelites are so relatable. Over and over, the Lord blesses them and does wonders for them and provides for them - and they celebrate and thank Him and then promptly forget. The days carry on and they get back to old bad habits and sins, and they lose track of how the Lord is Lord and cares for His people.

Back in April, Josh and I saw the Lord’s work in front of us as He brought Kash home to us and provided for all of our needs. We have seen His goodness over and over again. Yet I’ve had weeks of losing track, wallowing in how hard the challenges are and how there’s seemingly little progress made. I have to make a conscious effort to look back and reflect, to see that there has in fact been progress, and to thank God for His many blessings!

Four months ago, nobody in our house knew which end was up. Well, some days we did and many days we didn’t. There was a new kid who couldn’t talk and didn’t know how to help himself along and we didn’t know what to do with him. Could he put on his shoes? Nope. Could he walk up the stairs on his own? Nope. Could he play with anyone? Nope. Did he care? Nope.

Yesterday I watched as he looked my older boys in their eyes and laughed. I teared up as they took turns putting a Tupperware container on their heads and beating it like a drum. All of them. Kash. Playing. And happy about it!

The day before that I was overcome with gratitude in a hospital lab. The kids wiggled and tried to control their impulses to grab things and they did well, considering. The pleasant nurse worked hard to get a quick blood draw from Kash while another nurse and I held him with all our might, as he tried to turn himself sideways and slip out of my lap to the floor. Finally the bandage was applied and I braced myself to deal with his anger, which would inevitably turn toward me. Yet he crumpled, and turned into me so I could hold him close. No grabbing and pinching, no clenching his teeth so hard they’d break, no hatred in his eyes. He allowed me - wanted me - to comfort him. Words can’t describe how huge that was.

Later that day Levi found a bag of candy corn stashed in the basement, and we turned it into a fun reward. Levi and Caleb get a piece for each memory verse they can recite, or Psalm they can sing. Kash gets a piece for each sound he can imitate. He will now make a few sounds on demand, with good eye contact. If that’s what it takes to get him talking!

What great marks of progress! What a blessing it is to focus on them, rather than all the challenges and struggles. Lord, thank YOU!

Photo above of Kash, doing his daily morning chore: sorting silverware. Praise God!