Let Me Tell You a Story - Part 3

I requested information from yet another adoption agency, praying it would be straightforward. Emails came, info came, phone call came.

It costs HOW MUCH?

We prayed. It didn’t sit right and we had to walk away.

I got online and started researching again. What other options are there? How could we make this work?

We debated over foster care, wanting to provide a healthy home but not sure we could handle the constant change. Attaching and detaching. Dealing with the State and a corrupt system. But it would cost a lot less, and we could foster to adopt…we’d help the children we could until some needed a permanent home, and then we’d be readily available.

We dove into licensing. Instead of driving an hour to do group training, we watched countless videos at home while the world shut down with covid. Will we even have children to foster? Abusers being stuck at home with children…the number of reports being filed lessened. Maybe we were getting into it for such a time as this.

A year of work went by, and then it all fell apart. No license. No prospect.

I cried, and dove harder into researching. Why is it so dang hard to adopt a child?

God knew our pain. And as frustrating as it was to be back at the start, we knew fostering wasn’t the direction we needed to go. We regrouped and kept praying. My hands loosened their grip as I had to face what I knew in my mind: I’m not in control. He is.

---

“We’re going to send you right over to the ER,” the nurse announced upon re-entry. “I talked with the doctor and it’s best.”

My face isn’t great at hiding shock.

“Okay,” I reached over and got my purse. “They’ll be expecting me?”

“Yes. We just can’t take a chance with your heart.”

I walked over to another section of the medical buildings and checked in again. My shaking hands typed out texts to family…won’t be home for the kids as soon as I thought, hope this doesn’t affect your plans.

Tests, labs, questions. Some questions from me, some from them.

EKG was fine. Bloodwork was fine.

Everything was fine.

“You sure you’re not anxious?” they asked. “Maybe you need therapy.”

“Well at this second, yeah, I am” I answered. “But when the episodes happen, I’m not.”

“Mmmhmm. Well, you’re healthy. There’s not much else we can do for you.”

Out I walked, again. Everything fine, again. Must be anxiety…but I knew it wasn’t. It didn’t make sense.

---

Lord, please let us adopt.

How many times had I asked Him over the years? Countless - yet He knew.

No after no after no, either we would throw in the towel or dig in deeper. We continued to pray; surely He would allow us to do something after His own heart. Right?

A friend shared something about adoption on Facebook, and instead of scrolling again I stopped and thought. Maybe she would know what to do, or which agency to use?I

We talked and she shared how wonderful her experience had been. I asked many questions, a bit pessimistically, waiting for it to be a no-go. Something had to give, it seemed so straightforward.

Josh and I talked about it and I sent an email requesting more info.

To our surprise, it was as good as it sounded. Straightforward, simple, based on the Scripture. And if we wanted, we could get a discount if we signed on within 30 days.

Well that’s a no-brainer.

But Josh agonized over it, being convinced on one hand and hesitant about timing on the other. He asked God to make it clear to us whether we should jump in or wait and make up the financial difference another time. He asked that if it was God’s will, He would provide him with a raise or some other long-term way to continue providing for our family.

It’s not a prayer I’ve ever heard my husband say. But I smiled, and waited to see what would happen.

Friday came, and we needed to make a decision by the following Monday. Lord, what would You have us do? Please honor his prayer, we will do what You want.

Josh brought home dinner so I didn’t have to cook. Then he pulled me aside.

“You can call and say we’re in,” he said.

“What??”

“I got a raise,” he grinned.

Down to the last minute. And what a smidge of a raise it was; it was like the Lord saying, “Jump in, and trust Me.”

That Saturday we made a payment and signed on with a wonderful adoption consulting agency. After years of waiting, we finally had an answer.

Thank You, Lord!!

…to be continued…

Read Part 1 and Part 2

Let Me Tell You a Story

This has been years in the making, and I have often prayed of when to start writing. When to share. The pieces haven’t been there - it always has been not yet. But now, it’s time.

I am going to share fractions of how the Lord has worked in my life. I’m not sure how it will look and where it will go - He isn’t done yet, of course. I don’t have a story tied up with a bow. But my deepest desire is that I will convey His goodness, and that you will come away with two things:

Pain isn’t bad, and God is always trustworthy.

---

Josh and I talked about adoption before we ever started dating. He was moving with his family to another country, and he entertained thoughts of how to get involved in an orphanage there. Him, fresh into life in a new country; me, fresh out of life in a new country. Both: a desire to care for those who didn’t have a family.

I was heartbroken to leave that particular mission field. But I thought someday the Lord would bring me back; I had grand plans and all. I knew He had led me to return to the States, as much as I didn’t want to. I thought for sure He would move me back once I’d gotten married. The house I walked past almost daily, the one I’d researched from the sale listing and figured out how many bedrooms I could turn it into – it would wait, right? He could make that happen.

Josh and I got married and settled into our 642-square-foot apartment. Tiny by our standards, lavish by others. I looked out our bedroom window at the sparrows that always sat on the wires. You look after their every need…and You look after mine. Thank You. Would you bring us back there, please?

I longed to go.

Year after year, to this day, my husband still grins when he asks, “has it been three months? You’re about due for a need-to-move itch.”

Over time the yearning for that specific country has waned, as I see such need elsewhere. But my longing to move resurfaces every few months. I long for warmth and sun. for barefoot babies and gardens. for a home with many bedrooms, space for many children, land - that we can afford. And yet He has us here, in a cold little New England town, with many of our dreams out of reach. Contentment is something I’ve had to fight for.

“You want how many kids?” people are always surprised.

“Ten,” I say. “Or more.”

“Is your husband okay with that?”

“You kidding?” he pipes in. “I want as many as the Lord will give us.”

And here we are, with our two sweet boys. Immensely grateful and wondering what His timing is for bringing us more.

Instead of a house with many bedrooms, we are in a duplex with two bedrooms. Instead of acreage and gardens and animals, we share a backyard and have been trying our hand at raised beds in a corner of the lot. Instead of great health, I am forced to put many things (like childbearing) on hold.

I could complain.

But I know that His ways are good and we are where we are because He wants us here. So, I look for the blessings and I turn this waiting into a classroom.

We have plenty of space for our family. We have a yard to play in and let the dog run in. We have the ability to get creative with garden space, and the time to learn and get good at growing food on a small scale. We share the duplex and yard with my brother and sister-in-law, which has been one of God’s greatest blessings to us all. Josh and I have time to focus on training up our boys and setting a family rhythm before adding more children in. I have time to get healthy. There are countless other thanksgivings I could share.

God does what He wants when He wants, and there is no better way.

So I wait, and wait some more.

To be continued…

His Presence || Friday Magnify

“Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.”
Psalm 34:3

The waves broke and water swirled around our feet, bringing shrieks of cold joy from our boys. My husband and I laughed, watching them chase the water and then run as it chased them back. The ocean is magnificent.

Alone on the beach, watching my family play, I can feel His presence. I know His care, as He orchestrates every water molecule to ebb and flow and crash and recede. I know His care as He provides an open space for my children to run, fresh air for us all to inhale and exhale; bright sun to revive us and give us warmth.

Sometimes the bustle of the day distracts me from knowing His presence. Stress, fear, concerns, an abundance of tasks - they push their way in and I forget what truth David has said about God:

“Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?”
Psalm 139:7

He is always present with those of us who believe. He never leaves us nor forsakes us (Heb. 13).

He knows our days and what they hold before we do. He is ever present through each of them. As I open cabinets to pull breakfast together, He is there. As I process recent events, He helps me through. As I load up our van with children and things, He is there. As I await news, make phone calls, freshen up garden beds, look over schoolwork - He is there. And He is there as I wash dishes and talk with my husband and retire to bed. From start to finish, and in between, He is here.

It’s not always a feeling, but it is always a fact.

What other god is ever with us? What other god could ever hold us as He does, comfort us as He does, lead us as He does? What other god can listen and understand? What other god can advise us on what to do, and how to do it? What other god sees our failures and still calls us His?

Only the one true God, the Lord. How merciful and kind He is!

“O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139

Order & Chaos || Friday Magnify

 “Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.”
Psalm 34:3

Have you noticed that God is a God of order?

We see it in flowers, in the patterns of geese, in human DNA. We see it in the plans He set for the Temple in the Old Testament; we see it in how He asks us to make right our own sins before pointing out someone else’s, and in the way we go about solving relational issues (Matt. 18).

We see His order in how He arranged the planets, in math and science as we study, in baked goods as we experiment to create.

There is order everywhere if we look close enough, and it makes beautiful what seems like chaos. In fact, even chaos has order and structure to it.

Now, hold up. I was planning to write this about the need for order and structure in our homes as a magnification of who God is. Rhythms and routines are necessary for many reasons. Structure is crucial for us and our kids.

But what about spontaneity? And what about when chaos ensues? Well, God is pretty good at adding some spontaneity and chaos in the mix. Even though He is the Master of order! Ever wash your floors and then the dog and kids stomp through with mud? Or, have plans for a weekend and then your toddler ends up in the ER?

So, life happens and we smile and do the next thing.

Gets me thinking about the whole order-our-homes thing.

As my wise husband pointed out, a proper order of priorities is more important than a focus on keeping the home orderly.

In his words, “is the house tidy and the kids well behaved, but there is envy and bitterness? Better a tornado touched the house than that.”

Our priorities have to be right before God. First and foremost, are we spending time in His Word and prayer? All else is lost if we aren’t faithful with this. Our daily lives are 100% affected by what we believe about Him.

We can better keep our homes when we study and learn who He is. He will influence our decisions. We can better teach our children when we are fed by His Word; we can put a quick stop to any envy or bitterness or other sin trying to creep in. Much better a home made of forts with children who know how to share than an Instagram-worthy room void of [angry] children because Mom won’t let them touch the armchair. And vice-versa: better a home that is kept both in looks and hearts than a home that is disheveled and unruly in the same ways.

Our priorities must be in the right place, not just our decor.

May we take joy in how He orders and scrambles life, and may our homes magnify Him!